EMUSIC

Ever since the Spice Girls said goodbye to the music world, the girl-group genre has been at an all-time low, rife with groups devoid of lyrical and musical substance. The latest stillborns are two-hit wonders, like Danity Kane, who, to this day, is still chanting, “How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it”, and Barbie dolls like the Pussycat Dolls, known for demanding that you loosen up their button, baby.

In this war of plasticized girl groups, it looked as if the Pussycat Dolls had lost the battle after suffering two casualties—the loss of an original member, Carmit, and lead singer Nicole. Once Nicole realized she couldn’t thrive as a solo singer—it took Beyoncé three albums with Destiny’s Child before she tried, so what made Nicole think she had a chance?—she regrouped with her infantry in the trenches, preparing a new battle plan to take over the world: Doll Domination.

Dying Jessica’s hair red (i.e. making it appear as if redhead Carmit never left), turning Kimberly into the softer/sexier side of P!nk, and the addition of Timbaland, Polow da Don, Danja, and Darkchild to their artillery (as well as a load of airbrushing) were just some of the ways that this battle plan was executed. Then, there’s the album.

If there is one thing that Doll Domination does well, it is producing hits that will take over the clubs. At first listen, the single “When I Grow Up” stagnates, never gaining any real momentum or substance, whether musically, vocally, or lyrically. Yet, for some reason, this seemingly void performance works, as the girls, or Nicole’s voice times five, sing, “I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies,” taking you back to the days when you were a little rug rat waiting to conquer the world. Snoop Dogg allies with the Dolls again on “Bottle Pop,” a bass-heavy, synthesized follow-up to “Buttons.” With a tempo that races like a NASCAR driver, then coasts like Lupe Fiasco’s “Kick, Push,” “Magic” is the Dolls’ rocket launcher of the album.

The pursuit of Doll Domination can be summarized in one song, “Takin’ Over the World.” A mid-tempo, almost mysterious beat ensues, and Nicole confidently leads her infantry through the battlefield, stating, “I got what you want, so give it up” as they skip from taking over the clubs to taking over the world.

The ballads “I Hate This Part,” “Halo,” and “Love the Way You Love Me” are successes not due to Nicole’s vocals, but rather to sassy lyrics coupled with heavy production as polished as their album cover.

Where General Nicole’s battle plan fails is in thinking that the Dolls should attempt to add substance to their music by tacking on songs slower than club speed. “Elevator,” “I’m Done,” and “Hush Hush,” among others, could have remained in the reserves, if not discarded completely. Their lyrics are comically somber, and Nicole’s dismal attempts to sing have about as much emotion as Britney Spears singing the national anthem. Two leftovers from Nicole’s attempted solo debut were given to the Doll Domination: “Who Gonna Love You” and “Happily Never After.” If they didn’t work to launch Nicole’s solo career, what made her think that they would help the Dolls?

Beyond those failures and achievements, the only true winner in this battle is the general, as Doll Domination does nothing more than to give Nicole another chance to give herself more exposure. Try Nicole Domination?

There really is something wrong with UK Pop nowadays.

Have you seen Amy Winehouse lately? Voice like a jazz legend and lyrics as moving as the movie Selena, yet she really is one screwed up mofo as of late. And after the passing of a relative, a miscarriage and being dumped, Lily Allen seemed to follow in her inebriated footsteps, flashing tits and cooch and, basically, making the Paparazzi happy when Winehouse couldn’t (which, lucky for her, was a rarity).

Guess who, Batman? It’s Lily Allen, known best for ridding Gotham and every other city of social incompetence with her sweet angelic voice singing lyrics like “how would it make you feel if I said you never made me come” or “I been lying next to you and you next to me; all the while, I was high as a kite,” has leaked a new song which may be the single off of her new album, tentatively titled Stuck on the Naughty Step.

GWB (Fuck You Very Much) puts her EMI/Capitol Records doppleganger/replacement Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” to shame, starting on a tone that will tell you how to get, how to get to Sesame Street. Yes, it is a sunny day, but that’s because, once you hear her lyrics, you realize that by the end of this song, Allen has erased crime with 4 simple words as the KO - “Fuck You Very Much.”

After several years of haitus/drug overdoses/babydaddies/anorexia, both Brandy and Monica have dropped supposed new singles at the same time. However, after listening to these tracks, it appears that both of their budgets (or minds) have ceased to exist.

Since her first album, Monica clearly exasperated her funds and from the sounds of it could only afford to pay for good production for her lead singles, leaving the rest of any given album with her name on it sounding as dull and uninterested as Britney Spears reading her estranged children bedtime stories.

Even with a cameo from Ludacris, “Still Standing” is an overdramatic “I Believe I Can Fly” wannabe with a backbeat that is as overly dramatic and uninspirational as its attempted uplifting lyrics (and whoever gave Luda the permission to attempt to make a spiritual rap is a failure as a person).

Brandy, at the very least, left off on a great note with her last album Afrodisiac with innovative production from both Kanye and Timbaland. Then there was Brandy’s “Right Here.”

Darkchild did so well reinventing his production with the Pussycat Dolls’ “When I Grow Up,” but I don’t know what happened with Brandy.

Honestly, when you hear a song start with “When you feel your heart is guarded,” there isn’t much to look forward to. Like a Disney track gone wrong, Brandy does everything from singing with emotion as fake as Angelina Jolie’s lips to using lyrics as simple as Easy Mac.

“I ask God why is this happening to me,” states Monica in her single. Well, I ask God why these two singers are empty-headed enough to believe that these songs could ever make an impact on anyone besides themselves.

Does anyone even know who Danity Kane is?

Diddy does such a horrible job with promoting his artists.  Remember Dream - the all-white girl group with that one song?  Or Da Band - the first Making the Band flop?  And Cheri Dennis - the nameless talent that sings “I Love You,” the background track in almost every MTV show?  I didn’t think so.  What do all of these artists have in common?  They are meager one-hit-wonders whose names no one remembers.

Danity Kane was in this same position.  After Making the Band 3, they earned mild fame and once they released their one and only hit “Show Stopper,” they became known by their song rather than their band name.  Before even getting a good grasp on success, the girls were KOed, leaving their followup single “Ride Wit U” to the Mary Magdalenes that cared to pick up their scraps.

What gave their career the CPR it needed?  They did.

Realizing that Diddy is nothing but a money-hoarding screwup, these chicas called him out in an episode of Making the Band, demanding he use his millions to help revive their career with top-tier producers and writers and a video for their first single that had a budget that was, at the very least, more than that of the second-class Destiny’s Child member Kelly Rowland (her career might as well be nonexistent).

Techno-pop lead single “Damaged” gave Danity Kane’s career more life than the Energizer Bunny on cocaine and then some.  Yet, could the girls follow it up?  Or will they forever remain lead-single wonders?

When you have Danja producing your track, that shouldn’t even be a question.  After pumping oxygen back into the limp corpse of Britney Spears, clearly, the man can turn water into wine.  “Bad Girl” is nothing less than another one of Danja’s miracles.

“When the red light comes on I transform,” chant the bad girls over a Jetsons-like atmosphere with a back-beat that lights the track on fire (with Missy droppin some lighter fluid on it) and will set off the party in any club (just wait until you hear their followup “Strip Tease”…).

The Little White Boy That Could wants to use his magic to saturate panties all over the world.

Robin Thicke had mild success with “When I Get You Alone,” a successful sample of Walter Murphy’s “A Fifth of Beethoven,” which clearly samples Beethoven.  He lookeded a hot mess though.

Fast forward a couple years later and a makeover that makes you wonder if his father, Growing Pains’ Alan Thicke, is a DILF and you have The Evolution of Robin Thicke (both literally and album-wise).

Unknown hit “I Wanna Love U” simply failed.  Spending more than 9 months promoting it and adding Busta Rhymes to the remix did absolutely nothing for this Neptunes track.  Nothing.

So Thicke released “Lost Without U,” a song that exemplifies what he does best - sing in a falsetto so grown n’ sexy it makes that of Justin Timberlake look like a Rugrat.

Press skip on both singles that followed and play a year later on new single “Magic.”  Sophisticated and well-orchestrated, “Magic” is almost a toned-down version of Jay-Z’s “Show Me What You Got,” keeping Thicke’s vocals simple and the music complex to make a combination that is simply beautiful.

It still shocks me to this day to think of how many singers don’t have much talent.

Planet of the Apes extra Ashanti’s beginnings were humble, making guest spots on Ja Rule’s “Always On Time” and Fat Joe’s “What’s Luv,” as well as cultivating superhit “Foolish,” a well-planned rip of Biggie’s “One More Chance.”  After that, [simply] the bitch fell off.

The albums that followed were so poorly constructed that the only thing that gave them any sales [considering her subpar voice, lack of dancing skills and sometimes gorilla-esque appearance sure weren’t] was their respective lead singles, “Rock Wit U” and “Only U” [seriously, artists need to use “you” more to, at the very least, show that they or their record companies have better spelling than Gwen Stefani].

Just when I thought her career was over, two tracks - “Switch,” Ashanti’s version of the Cha-Cha Slide, and “Hey Baby (After the Club),” part II to Diddy’s “Last Night” - leaked from The Declaration.  And both failed to make any impact whatsoever.

“The Way That I Love You,” a 360 from the previous two attempts, came out of left field and became the new lead single.  Now, the challenge is to follow that with a hit, something she hasn’t done since her first album.

Second single “Good Good,” featuring standard bass heavy production from Ratatouille extra Jermaine Dupri, is the chill summer song we’ve been waiting for.  From the sedated vocals, to the Hooked On Phonics lyrics and production so laidback it’s like you’re smokin’ a J, “Good Good” is that club joint you put on while sitting in VIP sipping on Hennesy and preparing to get the party bumpin’.

“If you got that good good, ladies show ‘em where it’s at,” sings Ashanti.  It’s clearly right here in this song.

Taking the term “failure” to new extremes since 1999 - Jessica Simpson.

Her music career was mild at best with highlights being the watered down version of John Cougar’s “Jack & Diane” otherwise known as “I Think I’m in Love with You,” career savior “With You,” a tribute to her ex-husband Nick Leachy Lachey, and her biggest accidental hit, “These Boots Are Made for Walkin,” a Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis production that gave country a backbeat and a video that voided Simpson of any capability of thought with its sexual overtones.

Her acting career hit its not-so-high peak with reality show “Newlyweds,” which didn’t require any acting - just Simpson being as retarded as normal.  Besides her “Dukes of Hazzard” remake, “Blonde Ambition” summarized her worth, as an average of 48 people (as told by PerezHilton.com) saw its release.

Her “eatables” product line made her vomit after 3 uses live on TV.

With nothing left (and almost nothing to begin with), Simpson decided to return to her country roots, and with that abbreviated laundry list of aforementioned failures, you would think she could write some serious hits.  Yet, what we get is “Come On Over,” a standard love song as empty as Simpson’s daily thought procesis.

Nonetheless, country music may be the best route for Simpson, considering she doesn’t need to spend a fortune on producers (which she clearly doesn’t have) and the music is so formulated that even she can’t fail at that.  That doesn’t mean she’ll succeed either.

“I’mma flip a new melody on these suckas!”

That’s what Missy screams before she begins to sing an entire song…

No, seriously.  She’s singing the entire song.  At least, that’s  what she attempts to do.  What she ends up doing is nothing less than a Fergie, also known as sing-rapping (if you need examples, please refer to “London Bridge” or “Glamorous”).

The science of sing-rapping began godknowswhen and was perfected with the inauguration of Britney Spears as a musical artist.  Sing-rapping means that you stay within two or three notes for an entire song (or at least its verses) and either sing the chorus or have some other R&B singer sing for you (refer to Britney Spears’ “Gimme More” where Keri Hilson sings the entire chorus or “Piece of Me” where Robyn sings the notes that Spears cannot hit - all of them).

Back to Best, Best.

It’s nothing special.  Danja once again makes another standout beat that’s so simple yet so full of complexities that it impresses you every time you hear it.  AND it’s got the nerve to be one of those “Gin and Juice” joints that hear blasting from one of those chongalicious cars from Pimp My Ride.  Yet, Missy’s voice and lyrics are so lifeless, it sounds as if she’s sitting in that PMR car with windows rolled up smokin a J in someone’s garage, letting the exhaust fumes consume and kill her.

Hot beat though…

After being featured and writing in numerous tracks such as Britney Spears’ “Gimme More,” that girl from Timbaland’s “The Way I Are” (or Clutch member Keri Hilson) finally has her own single, “Energy.”  Yet after all the wait, does Hilson have enough energy to produce a hit without her crutch Clutch crew and Timbaland?

Hilson’s voice - so sweet, so kind - tamely rides the not-so-inspirational beat…

For some reason, this calls to mind her performance in Timbaland’s “Scream,” in which she and Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger sing the leads in the song.  Fine.  Oddly enough, when listening you begin to wonder whose voice is whose and eventually realize that you don’t care.

The same applies to Hilson’s single “Energy.”  As she sings “you’re taking all of my energy,” you realize that you just wasted energy caring about her, her voice, and clearly, this song.

“And I’m telling you,” soulfully begins American Idol loser Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls.  “I’m not going.”

After leaving us with the words “I’m not going,” you would expect Hudson’s music career to be as longstanding as a family of cockroaches living in the [once] projects of Chicago.  However, after listening to her latest single “Spotlight,” she may have created the first surefire way to terminate a cockroach - or her music career - for good.

The song begins, continues and ends with a beat that stagnates and bores you into a state of wishing you were in a coma.  Even though, Hudson’s voice sits polished atop this mound of synthesized crap, she doesn’t even try to shine, staying within 3 notes for the entire song, possibly hitting 2 more during the climax of the song.

If she doesn’t like living under the spotlight of fellow Dreamgirl Beyoncé and [insert the name of any singer that can sing live here], then maybe she should do like Madonna and use some of that Dreamgirl money to invest in a hit and Bally Total Fitness before her career gets guaranteed overnight extermination like cockroaches that have been doused in a stream of Bengal Roach Spray.